KPIC analysis report 8: News Outlet Shittiness

And so, KPIC staff were screwing through Hallyu8 on whatever was noteworthy to pick and analyze when they came across this particular thread. For more details, here's the link to the delusionalism http://hallyu8.com/topic/20456-to-all-the-people-who-think-gangnam-style-isnt-helping-k-pop/

There was so much bullshit with that article that it was worth a lot of laughter up to the point I thought it was some Kpop stanner that wrote this. Kyle Anderson, have a cookie.


"South Korean pop music - known to the world as Kpop - is executing a slow invasion, led by girl-power groups (2NE1, Wonder Girls) and glammy boy-based R&B (Big Bang and Beast)"


1. By slow invasion, you mean a disastrous invasion that's lasted years. Kpop tried it with BoA and Se7en long ago when they were major stars back then and look how their little tour in the US turned out to be.

2. 2NE1 and Wonder Girls? Power groups? KPIC doesn't have much on 2NE1 partly due to that there's very few informants but to say the Wonder Girls are leading this shit is pretty ridiculous. They gave it a go in 09 and ended up as fucking flops and it forever remains one of JYP's most daftly daft decisions to date and probably will so (that is unless a scandal about JYP getting a blowjob from Sohee, Taecyeon, Jo Kwon or Nickhunt goes around)

3. Beast hasn't done anything worth a fuck in the US except for getting some attention for wanting white models for their MV a while back. Speaking of which, our informants in Cube say that them Beast members wanted white models for...'entertainment' reasons. I guess A-Pink and G.Na weren't enough to satisfy their 'needs'.


"Now that PSY has been fully embraced by the American media and scored chart successes, expect the onslaught of rising Kpop acts to be fast and furious."


Yes, fully embraced because people find it amusing to see some 34-year-old guy with a tubby dressed like some nutso whacko dancing like a horse and make himself look like an idiot in general. Lot of peeps are gonna be disappointed to see other Kpop acts not do the horse dance when they promote.

Having boy groups dressed like gay wannabes or girl groups going around acting like fucking 12 year olds isn't gonna cut it. Then again, can't deny the chances that agencies start making their own
'Gangnam Style' and try to claim it's 'original' and shit.

KPIC analysis report 6 - UEE tries to become a savior

So KPIC staff were running through allkshit to poke fun of some shit and stumbled upon this headline here that makes me laugh like a hyena


"UEE hopes to change preconceptions about idol turned actors through upcoming drama, ‘Jeon Woo Chi’"

Seriously?

Last time I heard, 'Jeon Woo Chi' was already made into a movie starring Kang Dong Won waaaay back in 2009 and I don't see the need to have it made into a drama. And no, it ain't gonna change shit.



“I want to break the preconceptions of idol turned actors/actresses. I know that it requires a lot of effort so I am trying my hardest. I want to reciprocate the love given to me by many people through ‘Jeon Woo Chi’.”


Good luck with that shit. Damage has already been done and there's far too many idol-turned-actors/actresses/ that slaughtered dramas to hell or simply proved they can't act for shit and put people to sleep (need anyone be reminded of Suzy the fat whore?)

Our staff laughed a lot at this.

And to accompany with this shit, KPIC staff ran across to this particular delusional comment.

TOP? Really?  Of all idol actors/actresses that can't act for shit, TOP has got to be among the worst out there.

TOP's character in IRIS didn't even need any certain amount of skill except looking stoned as fuck, shooting guns and having as much lines as Boram and Qri in T-ara's songs. And no, his acting was overrun by everyone else in 71 Into the Fire.

Someone bat this guy with a club and KPIC's hottest staff would gladly give free blowjobs as a reward.

KPIC analysis report 4 - What will happen to Leeteuk when he goes to the military?

And so, KPIC decided to make an analysis on what would happen to Leeteuk once he leaves the Kpop world this year for his 2 years' mandatory service for the South Korean military.

Fans would go batshit crazy and cry a whole ocean as they watch him enter the gates of manhood and come out of it 2 years after, much like his fellow pal Kangin, who seemed to have served as a frontline soldier but has yet to say much about his service in detail.

Whatever happened to him is anyone's guess.

Bitch, please.

KPIC has concluded Kangin got fat as a result of eating too many cheeseburgers and fried chicken in his final months of his service, as he would be a Sergeant in rank by then. With that kind of body, there's no way one can last 2 whole years of hardcore training and abuse - something the Korean military is pretty well known for obvious reasons (hint, the northern batshit crazy neighbours).

Considering he was involved in a bar fight and hit-and-run incident prior to enlisting, one can assume his own superiors and fellow squad and platoon mates probably got the urge to beat him up whenever they had a chance. No one likes to have a fucking whopper with a criminal record in their ranks.

And from what KPIC has gathered, Leeteuk and Suju as a whole are definitely not popular amongst the male population in Korea.

And so, these are the likely scenarios KPIC sees as what will happen to Leeteuk when it's his time to play at the barracks.


1. He will get hazed constantly in the first six months like no tomorrow.

2. Seen by the Americans as very, very incapable and probably as a queer.

3. Kidnapped by the North Koreans for uhhh.....Junior's own personal motives (What can I say, he does like sausages for snacks....)

And even if Leeteuk does manage to survive hazing, mocking from foreign allies and kidnap attempts from the crazyass North, KPIC believes that chances are he'll turn up just as fat as Kangin. Not a pretty fucking sight

Which also raises a question - how will Shindong turn out when HE does his military service? He's already looking fat enough as it is. Eh;; He'll probably die of a heart attack or exhaustion during basic training.

KPIC analysis report 3: Korean police shits on CCM like a boss

And you thought the Korean police were a bunch of useless fucks who can't do their jobs right seeing how they're slow to deal with the shit that's brewing in the dark underground dungeons under the magical land of unicorns and fairies known as Kpop.

But read this

"Core Contents Media recently announced that the alleged back-dancer testimony had been fabricated, and that they had determined this by tracking down the IP address and had submitted a request to the Police. However, the Seoul Seocho Police Department has come forth with a statement that seems to refute what CCM has previously stated"


“There is not a single report on file relating to Core Contents Media or T-ara,” said the police department. “The various reports saying that [CCM] has reported this to the cyber investigative squad is false.”


Ok, so the police didn't arrest or bust anyone for shit but CCM's definitely taken shit of the Hwayoung/T-ara to a whole new level. Why say the police were involved in the whole fake testimony shit when they weren't even told about the shit itself?

Christ, last thing anyone would wanna do is make the entire national and Seoul police force laugh their heads off at them like a bunch of hyenas.

Coming from a guy who's granddad was also a detective for the Korean police back in the 70s, this has got to be among the most ridiculous news statements I've ever heard between law enforcement and Kpop.

Pretty surprising the police didn't make a bigger fuss about this because one of the most silliest agencies of Kpop just used them as a shield for their contradicting shit. If I were the police chief, I woulda sent these guys in to take this guy down permanently.

KPIC analysis report 2 - Dani can't speak fucking Korean

Now, I'm sure people had been going all batshit crazy with the addition of some middle schooler in a group with fully grown women for some time. This time, our intel-gathering informers and agents didn't even need to snoop in for some info because some kindly folk (who I suspect is a delusional fangirl or fanboy) uploaded this shit in Youtube.

And you know what? I don't even. Just LOOK at that. Learning to introduce yourself is one of the most basic things you learn when learning to speak a language you don't know jack shit about.

And I thought Tiffany and Nicole had it worse but really? Dani takes the cake. If you can't even speak the goddamn language properly of the country you're gonna make money in, then I might as well enlist into the fucking Russian military with only an hour's worth of learning the damn language - and probably get hazed every minute for speaking it like shit. Koreans in Korea aren't going to put up with some kid debuting in an idol group who are grossly fail in the language. Christ, even Victoria, Luna and Nickhunt (even when drunk) speak better thant she does.

And it's said that Dani will be designated as a fucking rapper while having not even a year's worth of training. What a joke. At this rate, anyone can debut as a member of a fucking popular group.

Hey Seungri, who's the one teaching you how to rap when you can't even speak the language properly? Assuming you're Seungri's long-lost-sister-recently-found or some shit, I'm guessing either TOP or GDruggin are your rap teachers then - or better yet, both are.

Also considering Seungri's pedophilic tendencies.....

A pedophile, beastiality lover and incest-obsessive. Gulp.

KPIC analysis report 1 - T-ara's 8th member Areum

I'm sure many have heard about the bloated news about Dani, who will be so sadly joining T-ara in December (yea, fuck you CCM) - but the 8th member, Areum - who happens to be a high school senior, had little information about her released in comparison.

Captain No.88 reported that our informants within CCM were unable to find real significant amounts of info due to tightened security but still managed to gather some pieces of the puzzle and leak it to the press (no, they're not getting a pay raise)

Now, this is what Areum looks like

Meh. Some say she's pretty, some no. Personally, she looks like a clumsy oaf who'd trip over her own shoes every day. But that's my call. YOU can think how you want.

Now, this is what our informants had to say - Areum's parents were (or still are, we never got hold of this one) in the music industry. Certainly, she would have gotten her parents connections to get in (Midget Boram is also a suspected case) an already well-known idol group. I don't know how influential her parents are but to get put in a popular group at such a time probably means they either bribed, coerced or whatever at KKS to get her in. That's nepotism straight up the next level - enough to make Sunny and her uncle's case look like nothing.

Yes, Sunny, someone now has taken the spot of ultra nepotism in Kpop. Celebrate all you want as antis shift their focus towards Areum for the time being while T-ara's fandom erupts into civil war.

Some may wonder though - with only 3 members in T-ara who are decent enough singers, while the rest are practically backup dancers, does Areum have anything to offer? Judge it yourself.

Honestly, I don't really find it that great but that's me. You can also go on Youtube and see that the uploader's name is 'CCMXAMC' - take out XAMC (whatever the fuck that means) and you get 'CCM'. Our analysts suspect that this uploader is highly likely to be a pro-CCM stanner or a Crap Cunt Morons employee (yes, Korea has its own English-speaking employees too). 

Supposedly, she auditioned for JYP but didn't make it. Well, not that JYP is really much of a place for people with talent to begin with (Fuckcyeon, Nickhunt and Sofag, I'm looking at you) but then again, CCM is hardly any better (Cyclops, midget, Hwadog and mole-on-nose and pretty much the bulk of Co-Ed and its subs....who've been dead for God knows how long).  

Conclusion of analysis - Areum's got nothing really spectacular about her other than her face and voice which is heavily subject to debate. Line distribution will get worse than it already is and of course, an internal war between the fans and CCM employees disguised as fans (that's right, KPIC is keeping a watch on you people)

Our informants in CCM will continue to keep watch for any new information that's worth notifying. Yes, CCM has its own lot of dissidents. T-ara isn't among them, however.

Kpop Intel Corps intro

So I decided to make my own blog - Kpop Intel Corps.

As y'all see, Kpop Intel Corps (abbreviation - KPIC) is the intelligence- gathering branch in the world of Kpop and no, it's not a damn government organization nor contracted by those whopdick agencies like SM, JayWhyPee, Crap Cunt Moron, Pledicks, YG and so on to spread propaganda crap like their fans do all the time (ok CCM is an exception but you get what I mean).

Do I hate Kpop? No, not really. I don't mind it. It's a big industry in its own right.
But does it have a lot of issues that can be discussed and pointed out? Fuck yes. I can go on forever about it.

We have informers everywhere in the world of Kpop. Big Brother is watching you, Kpop.  We got the informants. We got the agents. We got the equipment. We got the paramilitary rapid response teams and yaddi yaddi ya. Say hello to our representative, Captain No.88

Yes, he just loves mixing up his own gear with WW2 items in his spare time. Captain No.88 is in charge of all our field operations in gathering intelligence in anything noteworthy about Kpop, whether it be negative, positive or neutral news.